i freakinge graduated......
in a way. i still have to defend my thesis, which is an animated short film that i hate. everything feels off and wrong and i hate it. everything i make is wrong everything i create is off. it feels as if no matter how hard i work on something the result is never satisfactory! im worried i'll be failed. i know the opinion of three bald men who have never worked in animation in their lives doesnt determine my worth as a person, but it feels that way. since, you know, it does determine if i have to remake the thing i've been spending 99% of my time on for the past semester. lol.
i feel like i am doing everything wrong. feeling everything wrong. when i'm sad, it doesn't feel like the thing others describe as sad. when i'm busy i can't complain, because that's not really what being busy is. that's not what being anxious is, that's not what being depressed is. i didn't think i'd ever be back to self harming but here we are with large bruises on my legs and a stinging headache that won't go away. but that's not self harm either. there's no blood and there's no hospital visit. so i'm fine. i call my mother and she's mad at me because i'm making a hill from a grain of sand. so i'm fine. it's wrong to feel like this to act like this so im fine!
my conclusion from all this is that i may have to go back to therapy because it has been scary to live in my mind this year. i think i just cant cope with the ending of my degree. doing the same thing at the same place with the same people for 4 years...and i kinda liked it. i was glad when highschool was over because i wanted to get OUT of there. but i made friends here and saw them almost every day. sigh. but we must stay silly...fuck it we ball and all that.
it really isn't all that bad probably though. im just trapped in the torture chamber until next week AHHH AHH RELEASE MEEEEE.
im always complaining about shit on here and then deleting the log LMAO but oh well. luckily the world is still a beautiful place with parks to walk through and delicious food to eat, so ultimately it doensn't really matter does it...we can all feel good... and tenna's animator released the original animations so that's a huge win for me. look at this.
the smallest bug ever discovered?