first blog entry... hello everyone o/

i always get really nervous writing these. maybe i'll actually post this one. who knows... i guess i just want to write something because it's my birthday in a couple of days (24th). i was trying to draw something for myself, but nothing was coming out right so i thought maybe it was time to take my mind off of it for a bit before going to sleep. i enjoy the tradition i have set up where i draw myself a treat for my birthday, but this year it may not be possible. wauughh...

my birthday is just not something i enjoy celebrating, and i just want it to be over so i can stop thinking about it. not that i really care about being older. that part kind of rules. i gotta say though that i'm turning 22 this year and i am Not particularly excited about that...two of the same number...too repetitive!!! but oh well i gotta go through this so i can reach 23. maybe by then i'll like 22. i think i just don't like that, for me, the day is about me. i don't particularly enjoy attention when i haven't earned it and even then it feels suffocating. i wish i could avoid calls and texts and people approaching me to wish me a happy birthday. more often than not i end up having a nice time, dont get me wrong. i'm not miserable just because it's my birthday. but i feel off. i don't know.

i think about who i am and who i have become and who i will turn into in a year. will i be different? am i a different person now than i was before? i feel different. when i see a picture of me it feels like i am looking at someone else. when i think about the things i did years ago, i think now i'd do it differently. but when i am faced with a similar situation, sometimes i respond the same way i used to. have i grown? am i stuck being like this? can i change? i get out of bed at 1pm. i need 3 hours to get the motivation to leave my bedsheets. i never want to do anything, but i push myself because i have to live. i have to live if not for myself at least for others, and then i'll find myself.

i got sort of off topic. i just have been reminding myself of my high school self lately, and it's rather depressing. but on different news, i got a haircut today! i used to always have really, really long hair but i had been sick of it for years so last february i chopped it all off. dysphoria stays the same, but at least i feel like i'm doing something about it. here's how it's looking now...a bit too short for my taste, but it still looks alright from the sides.

so...yes!!!!! i don't know if this ended up being too sad...it's past 1am on feb 23 as i write this and i just wanted to talk about this somewhere. goodnight everyone!!!